It takes alot of guts and pride to accept or acknowledge the fact that one self isn't good looking. Forgive my ranting, but this page seems to be the only way of expressing it without feeling awkward talking about it with another person.

I know I'm not exactly above average in terms of looks. In fact, I'm below average. Ah, screw it,  I'll just say that damn word: Ugly.

Yet at the same time, my life still goes on because I could hardly care about it. I'm really an anti social at heart, so it doesn't bother me that much that I'm, let's say, no where as good looking as Adrian(Dragon), or whatever.

My life is driven by passion. Passion for a girl I like, passion for writing, passion for many things. But it seems sometimes, that as creative as I can be, or witty, or no matter how much I can try, there's no stopping it.

Looks do count.

I've said it before...when I look at people, I don't judge them based on their features. Sure, maybe hanging out with a pretty girl would be nice, but that's the end of it. It's just eye candy. I love a person because of the way they talk, the things they like, the same things that make us both laugh. Their company makes me happy.

That's how I perceive the world. A friend once asked me why I didn't like talking to a certain person, she asked, "Is it because she looks horrid?"

No. Hardly. I dislike talking to some people not because of how they look. I am in NO position to judge whether a person is beautiful or ugly. Mainly, it's because I am not good looking myself. I listen to some friends talking when a girl walks by, where one person asks them to have a look, and the guys would go "Ech, not nice aso."

Take a frigging good look at yourself before you judge people by their features. Most of those girls have boyfriends way better looking than yourself.

But despite the way my thinking goes...and how little I care...there's a phrase that annoys me.

"You're only beautiful if you think you are."

Does that make any sense? Yes, I know that as long as I'm happy with myself, the views of what other people think, shouldn't affect our lives. But then again...as a human being, isn't the company of other people what makes us the happiest?

I try my best not to care, but it's hard when the world does.

I appreciate beauty, yes. The passion I feel for a certain someone is driven by the fact that she's the most beautiful person to me, in ways more meaningful than just a visual perspective. She's not perfect, but even her flaws seem to be extra points.

Sorry, that's a different type of beauty. It's not where I'm only talking about skin deep...I'm also pointing out the way I feel whenever she's near.  The warmth, or little tingly sensation that goes down my back when she passes by and smiles at me.

To me, that is true beauty. It varies from person to person. And it just so happens that like quite a number of people, beauty has been personified to me in the shape of a person I know.

To me, only one of them is true beauty, and I wouldn't think much about the other one. It's funny how Jia Wen would think the same, only that the two people would be switched. Which proves the point of 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'.

Then I look at myself.

"I could hardly care. I know I'm not good looking. I know I have flaws. The flaws I can work on. The body I am excercising. Yet there will always be the embedded flaws on my body that I was born with. Shall I be able to say then, that I do not care? There's nothing that can be done about it. Or is there?"

Not many people are lucky enough to find love on both sides, though despite neither of them being perfect or exactly good looking, love blooms, and to each other's eyes..."That person in front of me. That's beauty."

Maybe I'm just a hypocrite. I judge people regardless of how they look, but am afraid of how others see me. I find myself shying away when I am among a group of people who are, let's say, above average in looks. I keep quiet...as if thinking, "I know my place."

It's wrong. But can we help it?

I keep asking myself that question. We can be as happy and content with ourselves as we like. But in the end, would we just remain a fool who stands alone, singing praises of himself?

I'm sorry if what I say doesn't make sense...but it's always been clouding my mind. Does it really matter? I truly understand the way people who go under the knife feel. We are told to be happy with whatever we are born with(or with some people, what 'God' gave us). Think of ourselves as perfect. Be happy.

Yet happiness is being loved. And how can one be loved... by himself?

I know beauty. And it isn't me.