My cousin asked me today, "Eh kor, why are you still single?"
I wanted to tell her it was probly because of my face and attitude, but decided against it. I just told her wisely "I'm waiting for the right person. A few girls have asked me before, but I'd rather not jump into things..."
Well, it's kinda true. I haven't exactly been TOLD in the face by any girl before that they've liked me (as hard to believe as it is), but there have been cases where it's been kinda obvious, though I pretend not to notice and just continue on being friends.
I've never really pursued any girl besides 'her', because I find myself always comparing EVERY girl I meet with 'her'. Even if I'm not vaguely interested or find the girl cute, I'll still compare, and in the end, 'she' is always better.
Could this be the reason why I've been single my entire life?
My sister once asked if I'd treat the girl I married (if ever) as well as I'd treat 'her' now in school. And seriously, I wonder too. How'm I supposed to move on when I can't get 'her' out of my mind? Besides, 'she' and I aren't even close, and the only way I get to...erm...how should I say, "express" my feelings to her is with gifts. I'm too shy and too unnattractive to have the guts to even say "hi"...which is why many people think I'm treating her OVER the extreme. Au contraire, I hardly talk to her at all.
As for steady couples, most satisfaction can be gotten from just spending some short and simple time together, without a drop of money spent. Zakhren and Nab came to my house today, and GOD, it was just akward cos they kept snuggling, and the smallest thing Zakhren did would amuse her and they'd laugh for minutes. I can still smell them in my room as I type this =.="
So, the same cant be said between me and 'her'. You could say I'm sorta like Shung Jiu, giving gifts as a way of showing affection, but I don't EVEN DARE do what he does. Shung's said that I don't understand how he feels, but I really do. We're not able to offer the girl that we like the comfort and companionship of an interesting person that she'd like, so the only way we can make her happy or smile, is through gifts. It's sad, but it's what we do.
Seeing Piggy and 'her' last year always being together was pretty gruelling at first, and I'd go home, drop flat on my bed, and sob till my eyes were sore. As time went on, I accepted that she really has her own choice... so there's nothing I can do about it. I can just continue on giving gifts and doing special things for her if I wanted too, but nothing in the world by money could compare to having a person that she liked to be with her.
Heart, over materialism.
I've seen boys go like "Wtf la! I spent so much money on her and she just treats me like shit! Waste only."
Keeping my cool was pretty hard, because I was tempted to tell them off that a girl did NOT ask for you to like her, and she did NOT ask for the presents. YOU, the boy, gave her presents and gifts, and she did NOT ask for them. Accepting them is more than gracious enough, as she's tolerating with you. Any other girl would just slap the gift away from your hand and walk away, but at LEAST she humours you. In the end, you can't blame a girl for not liking a boy back because it comes down to the simple rule that she did not ask for it.
I say this from experience. If there's a girl you like that doesn't like you back, there's nothing you can do about it but keep trying. If you ask her why she doesn't like you, than that's just a suicide attempt on your chances.
Never blame the girl. You liked her in the first place, so it all roots down to your fault. If you say "she treats me nicely somtimes but on other occasions she treats me indifferently" than you're being a whiny bitch. Refer to my words, She never asked for you to like her.
I find it hard to believe, but from the moment I put down the phonecall with her, and thought to myself that this would be the longest thing I've ever waited for...half a year has already passed by so fast.
My hair's growing long at bad places. My hair is uncontrollable, with my mom being only content if I was cut nearly MONK-like...my moustache and beard are sprouting like mushrooms, forcing me to shave almost everyday.
But what I hate most is my hair on the legs. SuFern laughed her ass off when I wore short pants to jog with her. "You look gay!" she said. Sigh. It's damn hairy for a boy my age, and since my skin is pearl white, it makes it look like a pak kai. With fur. Ew.
So I took the plunge.
Lalang be gone!
It took me half an hour just to fully shave one leg...but I like the result =)
Tada! Clean and smooth. Softer than a baby's bottom. Seriously. I'm addicted to rubbing my hand against the skin to feel how smooth it is. =d
I look like as if somone has punched me on the face. Sigh. And no one did.
The sweet-apparently NOT innocent-Jade. With her, a dream boy her height =)
President of the Nothing Happens club.
And this picture of Zak is for Nab. Yes, squeal in orgamsic pleasure, Nab >=D
Nicolette snaps back at me.
These were just some pics from yesterday when Colin, the com club president, asked us to go to SUNWAY to get posters for the club message board. And then maybe a movie, food, drinks, more food, and shopping for a gift for KC.
I'm in a very hyper and overconfident mood at presently 8.54am. It could probably because I jaga malam at my Buddhist center and didn't have a blink of sleep, or maybe the mosquitoes that fed on my poor leg had some alterating gene. I can be... MOSQUITOEMAN. Bitten by a radioactive mosquitoe. I'll suck crime one by one! Nyahahah!
=) And while I'm having this overconfident mood, I'll say what I've never said in my entire life.
I'm damn handsome liao.
The following are pics are from my friendster account:
The last one abit cacat. But nevermind XD
Anyways, don't mind me. I'm just whoring my Friendster Profile, cause it's been dead since Amanda's testimonial in NOVEMBER last year. =( sad right?
I'll be back to my usual "i hate myself" mood soon enough, so no worries.
Edit 9.21am: Sigh. I hate myself =(
Just kidding.
Edit: Even though it's pretty obvious to me, I suddenly can't get this sentence out of my mind:
I think there are many reasons to why I tend to cry. It could be loneliness, or just the feeling of inferioty that I get from everyone around me. Why can't I be more funny like him, or be as soft and calm like her? Wherever I turn, I see people that I envy, people that possibly hate me, and it is really so hard to find people that are truly, in a way, what I can call friends.
There are people who are smart, athletic, and charming. Often I find myself competing with them for something which I am desperate for, and usually, resulting in failure.
Khe Chun has been somewhat annoyed by me lately, because I think even her calm personality has its limits. I even forgot that it was her birthday today. As soon as I got home from school, I went to Subang Parade to get her a gift. I was hoping I could've made up with her again, so I dropped by her house as soon as possible to pass the present to her. And obviously, she had went out with friends to celebrate. I stood outside smacking my forehead in disbelieve at how silly I was, and left the present on top of her gate before heading home.
I may seem like I take my friends for granted, but it's far from that. I'm rash and quick tempered by nature, only because the rage and hate seems to fill the void of loneliness and depression. I probably feel that by being angry at others, and loning myself to a corner, things will work out. But they never do. It's probably much simpler to calm and ease down by joining conversations, without care whether they acknowledge you or not. Yet why do I still not try?
I keep hitting myself whenver I argue with Su Fern. I know I'm in the wrong, but my mood swings and bad temper tend become a burden, and I'll find myself apologizing to her a few moments later(or days).
I want to control myself. I try to control myself.
I'm pretty much not close to Cassandra anymore. What used to be a good friendship is now a "hi" and "bye" relationship. I think the only time we ever talk is when I see her in the corridors, all we exchange are "hey"s and "wassup"s. It's like the closeness that we used to have never existed. Does the barrier of distance really effect friendship? I used to think in Form 4 that even though we would be in different classes, I could still keep a close friendship. I guess I was wrong.
I'm starting to think... what will be my first words when Amanda comes back in June? Will I go out to see her, or will I hide away because I know that if I saw her face, the mixed feelings will being to swirl once again inside me, and together with the joy of seeing her, will come anger and frustration because I'm not even close to her.
I can be funny at times, and plain nice. A livewire infact. Yet whenever she's around, I keep quiet. Because I'm afraid that anything funny that I do, anything that makes me HAPPY will turn her off or give her the impression im some silly fool. For example, I can simply give Benjamin a gay hug and say "Mmmmmmm...I love you Ben" as a joke, and people will laugh, and we'll all have a good time. Yet whenever she's around, I couldn't. It was unthinkable. Everything about her makes me feel happy, yet scared.
I suppose on the day she arrives, I'll drop by her house and give her a welcome back gift or something. When no friends are around, I won't be shy to talk to her. And that'll probably be the last time I'll ever see her. ...
Interesting how it feels, knowing that you'll never see the most beautiful person in your life ever again.
Heh.
With Xiao's help, I've been working on a story that I want to submit for Gemala's English Corner. I was generally happy with the work, but I can't say the opinions of the people who read it are assuring. It's been said to be too deep for Gemala...
I hate it when this happens.
Life's so full of restrictions, dissapointments, and sadness. Yet there are the rare moments of joy which I seem to take for granted.
The web owner of a popular website www.purepwnage.com has put up a clip of his hair for auction on e-bay.
...and so far, he's got a bid up to USD7,877 for it.
Imagine that!
"hey n00bs.. buy my hair rofl.. i need 2 buy a tv =P.. a desk n chair wuld be wtf uber 2..
l8r"
This is a real wtf knn cbb moment man. I dont think my hair would fetch up to even one ringgit, since Puan Tan cut my hair in school for being too long yesterday. Obviously she thinks its not worth anything, or she'll pick it up and put into her bag =.=
Imagine if XiaXue cut her hair...or Kennsia's pubic hair...and put on auction. Heck, I think SuperStars should start taking this new extra cash route.
I'll have to work harder on this blog...and hopefully one day someone will buy a clip of mine for Rm5k. Twice the price for a snip from below.
My cousin Hong Fei got married last Saturday, and alot of the Ho relatives came down to Malaysia to celebrate it.
Now, the Ho family, which is my mom's side, is a HUGE family. My great grandfather had 5 wives, and about 13 children. These 13 children had kids of their own, and their own kids had kids. It's SOOO huge, that because my grandfather is the 7th child, my mom is my grandfather's 5th child, and I'm my mom's 2nd child, my codename in the family is 7.5.2
Hoho, anyway, the wedding started in the morning at the Church, so here's some pictures.
My cousin Derek and I sat in the car with his sister Jacky and her bf Ted. We almost lost our way cos the Bridegroom's dad, who was supposed to lead us, was so anxious to get to the wedding I think he forgot about us =.=
The best man Bryan and my cousin, Hong Fei.
My uncle lent his car to be used, and according to him, his BMW car is NOT happy about having Mickey and Minnie on his front. Apparently it's eyes are glaring.
Sitting with Derek, Jolene, Jacky and Ted(half faced in this pic).
A huge Cross on top of the Mass Hall.
We waited abit for the bride to appear, since it's sorta an unofficial thing that the bride must always be fashionably late.
A close up shot of Derek. I was bored while waiting =.=
Finally, the bride arrives with her grandfather. I don't know why, but the men who bring the brides to the church for passing onto the groom always has to put on a stern face, as if putting THE FEAR into grooms the power of In-laws.
All stood up. I won't go into the minor details of the usual "I do" ceremony, but I'd like to mention that the Minister kept me(and my cousins) laughing. For one, he's probably Chinese educated, because he couldn't pronounce "L". So each time he mentioned God's blessings, he'd say "May God breast you." I'm sorry we're so evil. Heh, he even mixed up the bride's name Sherry with Diane. Who's Diane? Lol.
Anyway, with all said and done, the religious part of the wedding was over, and soon came the moment we all waited for. PHOTO SESSION!
The immediate family. That's the younger brother on the left, the bride and groom, and his parents, who are also my aunty and uncle.
Our family photo. It's not ALL the Ho's, just a small part of it that is close. Can you spot me?
This'll be the first time I've witnessed it in my life, flower throwing.
Not as graceful as it seemed, though. She threw the flowers at a wrong angle, and it hit the roof, bouncing to the floor with a yucky "splat".
My sister and cousin Jacky posing with the flowers. If you think they're hao, see later. Even worse.
Uncle Yew Pun with his moody BMW.
She dreams, he fears.
Hong Fei giving the thumbs up. It feels damn good to be married.
We went back to the house for the MUST HAVE tea-ceremonies.
And of course, more photo sessions.
Later that evening, the wedding dinner was held at Palace of the Golden Horses, located near the Sepang F1 circuit. On the way, my dad was so angry because somehow my aunty and mom who were in a different car phoned up and said they had reached 101 Mall instead. He waited for them at a rest area near the highway, before my mom phoned up again and said, "Oh! My bad! We were in the right road. Already at the hotel carpark."
Imagine my dad's ego flattened. Or in a more crude expression, "A man having his balls deflated."
The cocktail room outside was so wide. About 3 basketball courts put together.
The cousins posing.
I wrote ALOT here...but fucking stupid blogdrive canceled it. I have no more fucking energy to write...so I'll just post these few pics.
2006 has probly been the crappiest year for me in terms of weather. I didn't really give a damn about the heat streak a few years back because as long as the pipes in my house kept pouring out cool water to bathe in, the farmers and cost of food, etc etc inflation prices increasing, didn't affect me, a minor.
Of course, i'm sure everyone's realized what's the crappiest thing about 2006's weather? The storm. Everyday. Every-fucking-day, there's a storm. Not just any storm. Storm which blow off roof tiles, storm which break trees, and worst of all, storm which CUT OFF POWER EVERYDAY. When there's no power, I can't use the computer or the Ps2. I can't even fucking read a book because it's too dark.
The finale came two days ago, when my modem's network card got fried by the fucking lightning. I'm currently using my sister's laptop via dial-up to put up this entry. So, dont expect this blog to be updated for awhile.
She dreams, he fears.
