Despite having less than 9 hours to study Biology, I'm interested to blog about this.
When I was a lil boy, I used to shower with my dad alot. And each time, I'd think to myself, "Why is his bigger?" There was a strange feeling of inferioty each time I thought about it, before growing out of the phase about 10 years ago. But now that I think about it, does a bigger penis really mean that the person is more MANLY and provides better pleasure in bed?
Perhaps not. A person with a bigger sword(or pork sword, in this situation), would lose to a thief with a dagger if his swordsmanship isn't as good. Think about it this way. A little penis knowing where to jab, where to poke, and which part would satisfy the girl's lustful desire, or a big one just ramming itself into the poor girl till she bleeds. The ninja strikes deadlier than the swordsman.
Anyway, I'd really like to digress more, because this is really a strong topic I'd like to share my views on. After the exams, maybe I'll write more on this. You guys should stop coming, cos I still get at least a 100 hits, though there aren't any updates. I'll be back on the 25th, which is when my exam ends.
I'm gonna cram my studies now, so there wont be any updates till the exams are over. Which is a good thing because I've heard from some form 4's that the first thing they check online is my blog ;)*proud*
Blog song has changed to Daniel Powter - Bad Day. It's been played over and over again on MixFM so I sort of got addicted to it. As usual, it's on the top left part of my blog. Have a go.
I don't know, I just liked that phrase above so I used it as a title. In a way, it's also to show that I'm still my mood-swinging self, and not permanently scarred for life, though there shall always remain a hole in my heart that misses my grandparents.
What's possibly the longest week of my life is finally over, and leaves me with only 4 days to catch up on studies. Ah but what the heck, I'll blog anyway. First of, I'd like to thank EVERYONE for being supportive, especially those that took their time for me like Nab, Fern, Xiao, Cass, and alot more. The comments on the tagboard <----- are also greatly appreciated, and smsuian =) I'm okay with anyone as long as you don't remain anonymous(because I find it irritating to talk to someone who I don't even know is who). *especially flamers. their slimy and greasy. eww* Sigh, and I've also missed 2 opportunities to see Amanda online. Hm, not like I'd be daring enough to say hi anyway. =/
When I'm back in school I expect hugs from these people:
Boon Heng
Xiao
Cass
Fern
Nab
Zakhren
Benjamin
Aaron Yap
Zakwan
Jade
Jiale
Colin
Khe Chun
Nimalan
Alright, now on a more serious note: Watching my grandmother suffer and pass away infront of my eyes is probably the saddest thing I've ever had to face in my life. I know not whether passing on is like walking through a dark tunnel by yourself or a white pillar of light flanked with naked angels, but I do pray that whatever it is, both my grandparents have one another. Once in awhile I sit and think, "Wow. Mama and YehYeh are gone. I'll never see them again in this lifetime. Ever. In just a week, I've lost two people who are precious to me."
And even now, I find it hard to believe. Just a few days ago I was talking to them, and now...they're ashes in an urn. My grandfather's cooking, my grandmothers taunts and soft arms which I love to hold...
Taken outside the hospital window
These things I'll never get back again. Moments I took for granted which would last forever.
Taken outside the hospital just after my grandmother passed away.
When inside their house, I have to stop myself from crying because it's sad to see an enviroment which they have both lived in for the last years of their lives. The cooking pots, the photo albums, the pirated DVD's my grandfather had yet to watch, the food in the fridge they had planned to eat, the last things around their house which had been done by them.
And maybe one day, when I've forgotten I've even wrote this entry, I will see them again.
My sister and I went through their old stuff in my granddad's study, and here're some pics of priceless memorabilia left behind:
My grandfather's stamp collection. I remember when we were young, my sister and I were taught by him how to handle stamps, and helped us start a little collection of our own.
I've never even seen this before.
A picture of my grandmother's parent's wedding. This was about 1930-something.
LD's! Before VCD came about, these large black disks were the thing.
A very cool discovery is my grandfather's easily 50+ collection of old records. We're thinking about Ebaying them.
Look at all these crazy covers!
My grandfather as a lil wee boy.
Granddad liked 'em big. Heh Heh. He's the one with his hands against his face.
This one's from my grandfather to my grandmother when they were still coupling. They're only 51 years married(i know cos we celebrated their 50th anniversary last year), and he's already called her Maggie LAI in 1952.
To, Miss Maggie Lai
With Best Wishes & God Bless You.
From, Yours always,
Henry Lai 12/10/52
This is what's behind it. Lol.
My grandmother.
Young couple.
My dad and some girl. *ooh*
An old family picture in 1961.
My grandfather Henry, my eldest aunty Judy, my grandmother Maggie carrying my youngest aunty Susie, and my dad Arthur. The Lai family.
We have to remember that grandparents were once young happening hipsters too.
In glorious technicolor! Ooh the 70's... love the top.
My grandfather's always had a knack for gardening. He's got a greenthumb, which is pretty rare in our little clan.
My grandmother had been married to my grandfather since she was 16 years old, and for the rest of her life, they had been together.
As much as they usually quarrel, there is a known bond between them that they have shared for so long. Even when my grandfather wanted to stay in Australia as a cook, and my grandma went back to Malaysia, they couldn't stand being apart and my grandpa decided to come back.
Like my grandpa, my grandma also loves and took care of me since I was young. She told me how she'd use the her office phone to call every 10 minutes when my mom was giving birth to me, or how worried she was when I was young because I wasn't putting on weight, only to worry that I was putting on TOO much weight the next year.
My grandparents loved to travel around together around the world, and when going through the photo albums in their house today, my sister and I stumbled upon pictures of them in England, Europe, China... I saw how they smiled, and it was a painful delight. To say my grandparents did stuff together was an understatement. They do EVERYTHING together. Everywhere they go, it's the two of them. And it was only last year that our family celebrated their 50th Anniversary(Golden) in a hotel among family. We were all laughing, hugging, and high in thoughts that this happiness would last forever.
On Monday, 12.50am, I was staying at my grandparents' house to guard the coffin, and also be with my family to accompany my heartbroken grandmother. While in my grandfather's study, looking around, I heard my sister scream. We rushed to her, and what I saw I will never forget.
My grandmother had a stroke. Her right leg and arms were fidgeting, and she was unconscious to our screams and crying. I quickly asked my dad to call an ambulance. But it was too late, and my grandmother had fallen into a comatose(coma).
It is now Wednesday, 10.16, that I'd like to relate to all my friends who read this blog, of how painful it had been. Just as my grandfather passed away, my heartbroken grandmother would be taken from us as well.
I returned from the hospital that Monday morning at 4am, exhausted. We prayed to my grandfather to look over her, whatever happens. On Tuesday morning, we told everyone that my grandmother was tired, and we decided it was best she just rested at a hospital where they'd take care of her. But the painful truth is, it was a ruse, so that my grandfather's funeral would end smoothly. We hid it from my little cousin sister, because she was taking her PMR exams. Even when she found out, she remained strong and composed.
On Tuesday night, the hospital rang up. Her condition was not improving, and...her brain showed no sign of activity. To make it worse, her brain was swelling, and as it grew...it will block her arteries, and the heart will stop pumping...which will result in...her death.
When I entered the ICU(Intensive Care Unit) with my mother to see her, I was devastated. Tubes, pumps, monitors, were hooked up to her, giving life support. But what is life, when you can't even see your loved ones, or hear them, or talk to them? I cried on the spot, and told her how much I loved her, and that even if she left us, she had nothing to worry about.
Remember how I said they went everywhere together? I meant it. I suppose that my grandmother loved my my grandpa so much that, she grieved his death and was afraid of being alone. She had seen her children lead good lives, and her grandchildren matured. What was left for her, now that my grandpa was gone. Mama, as much as you wanted to be with YehYeh, don't you think we would have taken care of you? You told me you wanted to travel around the world, so why did you let go? You've spent your entire life taking care of us, why didn't you give us a chance to take care of you? We'd do everything we could to make your life happy. Or would it?
We now understand, you love YehYeh alot. If you want to be with him, we understand.
As for now, I'm only solemly waiting for that moment that she passes on.
My head is spinning non stop. Why does bad stuff have to happen after another? I'll blog about it later.
I'm seriously doubting whether I have any close friends at all. Sure, I'm okay with Sufern and Cass, but am I REALLY their close friend? I can talk and have fun with Cass, but among friends, its like she's ashamed to even admit being friends with me.
Seeing my sister's friends even coming for my grandpa's wake, I realized that compared to her, I've basically no one. I'm not saying "FUCK YOU for not coming to my grandpa's wake", I'm just stating that I don't even have a friend close enough to care that much. Sure, my aqquaintances care, thanks for the messages, very thoughtful indeed. But... I've known...I really have no close friends? Is Zakhren a close friend? I don't think he thinks so. Maybe everyone's just sympathizing with me once in awhile.
Even in class, I have hardly any friends or close people I can relate with. I see the class moving together and laughing, and then myself walking behind alone, because unlike them, spending the entire year to mix with everyone, I was going after HER, and now that she's gone, I'm no diff from a new student. Heck, I've wasted my time on a person who probably doesnt even GIVE A FUCK that I'm on the verge of strangling myself to death. And yet, I still find her the msot beautiful person I've ever met. Probably because of this, I dread going to 4 Sigma everyday. I dread going there, and try to make friends. Not because they don't want to, but because I'm not meant to.
My grandfather's cremation is on sunrise. I'm worried about my grandmother.
My world has never looked so dark.
The hatred is strong in this one.
I'm sorry for being jealous of you and Amanda, Boon Heng.
I'm sorry for even bothering you the last 3 years, Manda. It must really suck to have an idiot going after you for so long.
I;m sorry for trying to be close with you Cass. I was just imagining that we were close. I should have realized earlier. I'm sorry...and thankful that you sympathized.
I'm sorry I disturbed you, Khe Chun. I knew I wasn't worthy of even asking you.
I'm sorry, Colin. Too long have you endured my sucky attitude, and I had no right to
shout at you.
I'm sorry, 4 Sigma, for not being able to be as lively as all of you.
I'm sorry, my friends in LEO, for failing to keep up with your never dying enthutiasm.
I'm sorry I scold you when it's not your fault Zakhren. i don't deserve a cool guy like you.
I'm sorry, NpSp, for not being disciplined enough to wake up and mix with you guys. Every day I sigh because I'm the least close person among you all.
I'm sorry, Zakwan.
I'm sorry for trying to fit into groups of friends, and breaking down because I can't.
I'm sorry for always being the oddball.
I'm sorry for being unnapreciative of the little things.
I'm sorry I can never achieve what my sister does.
I'm sorry, Suf and Nab, for burdening you always because I've not many friends.
And I'm very sorry, Sufern, because even though you are kind enough to listen to me, I still vent my anger on you by shouting.
As much as it was important for me to quit, I'm sorry, YEP.
I'm sorry that I'm no longer the energetic gay self that people used to love and find irritating.
I'm sorry I'm a changing room peeking pervert.
I'm sorry for always being so emotional.
I'm sorry for hardly keeping in touch with my old friends from 3 Omega.
I'm sorry for being materialistic.
I'm sorry for being lazy.
I'm sorry for being arrogant.
I'm sorry for being 'hao'.
I'm sorry for being blur.
I'm sorry for being unnacceptably adorable at times.
I'm sorry, Sushi. I haven't eaten you for 2 months.
And to anyone else that I owe an apology, I'm sorry.
I've so many things to say, and something that will leave you gasping, but I'll leave that for after the funeral. I haven't hand any proper sleep since Friday, and my eyebags are worse than ever. I'll just post whatever pictures I have on my cam right now without commenting on most of them.
The following are pics taken in school.
The funeral:
My grandfather had quite alot of different religions coming to pay respects, from my family's SGM(Buddhist), Taoist Nuns(who used hands free clamshell handphones), Christians, and Thai Buddhists.
My grandmother. She's really going through so much, it pains me to see her like this.
This is what those who are directly related to my grandfather has to wear. It sort of a mourner's uniform. Black, with a white lace tied around the waist. I'm not moody, just sleepy and fatigued.
Being the male grandson, I had to put this little red thingy on. Not sure what it symbolizes.
The result of lack of sleep for 4 days, hectic, headaches, and just fatigue.
Perhaps...this shouldn't be an entry to win over people's hearts. But, something that I should just write to reduce the pain that's inside me. For myself.
I used to worry, how would I react when he dies? The symptoms of having breathing problems, ending up in the hospital often, and how terrible he looked each time I entered the hospital room, expecting him to fully recover the next day, and be back to his smiling self again. Of course, not this time.
My grandfather has taken care of me ever since I was a baby. He loved me, doted on me, and took my side whenever my parents wanted to discipline me, just like any loving grandparent would. He'd always pick me up from tuitun, and bottled some soft drink because he knew I'd be thirsty. And me, the ever idiot child, would quickly exit the tuitun, hopefully to enter his car and drive off before any of my tuitun mates saw us. Because I was embarrased. And what an idiot I was. Now, if I could go back, I'd proudly show people that my grandfather is caring enough to spend his afternoons sending his grandson to and fro, never complaining, only loving. I pride on him, because my grandfather loved me.
When my sister told me that he had passed away, it was hard to let the words sink in. "This is a sick joke," I thought. Before she even closed the door, I was slamming my hands on the bed, wall, and anything I could reach. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. This wasn't happening. How could this happen? Less than 2 hours ago He and I were just chatting about whether his handphone was USB capable. How, can a person so lively, just be gone like that?
I love my grandfather. But I regret that I hadn't loved him enough.
EDIT:Xiaxue wrote about how schools are shutting down blogs because it AFFECTS their name. Hussy teachers. A direct link to her blog HERE
Yesterday, Amelia said this to me:
"Hey Wei Shiung, you know for YEP, our school got the highest profits? So, don't you regret NOW that you quit YEP? Huh? Don't you? Just quitting because of Amanda..."
"We all know you joined 4 Sigma because of Amanda."
Bah. Here's something I have to write up so that people will stop having that impression of me as an Amanda stalker.
Usually during the holidays, my 10++dotA gang and I would spend the nightover at Aaron's house for a few days, dotAing pretty much 24hours a day. We'd go out of the house at about 1am and play at the cafes till the break of dawn. And then we'd go back to his house to sleep, wake up about noon, and hit the cafes again till the evening. Sounds fun, eh? Yeah, it is. But the sad thing is, countless times stuff like YEP or LEO(especially LEO) had me to wake up early the next morning, and miss out alot of stuff the guys did later on. I was sleepy, I was tired, I just wanted to relax with my friends. I've been active in clubs for nearly more than 3 years...and I decided, if this is going to hamper down my social life...and I'm starting to find it a dread...why continue?
I was one of those poor individuals who couldn't find friends unless there was a reason to befriend somebody. That's how LEO came in. Small projects organized by the seniors, where I'd find my usual bunch, and get to work with them. That, was my pitiful dose of social activity. As most of you know, I had pretty much NO friends back in Form 1.
And as we get to form 4, going out with Sufern, Nab, and the rest for movies, or DotAing with my friends just became more hectic. Demands for my attendance as a BOD was compulsory, and I kept having to apoligize whenever I couldn't make it. There was even a case where I had LEO sketch practice on the SAME time I had dance practice with friends I was really CLOSE to.
Being active in LEO and forcing myself to work was probably because I felt I OWED the LEO club something. For giving me abit of momentum in my junior years. But when I lost my post in LEO(which when I look back now, thank God), I suddenly found myself a much more free person. I could easily say "don't want" when I didn't like an activity.
Alright, to June, Sabrina, YiLin, Jia Jun, don't take it in offence la, but even you have to agree that I'm not that active in the club anymore(you guys possibly don't care), and that I don't mix that well with the current members. I mean, I try to mix, but there's just something about me that can't get along with alot of the people. Chemistry. But I enjoyed every moment of being in it, and I guess Sab you're right, it's time to pass on the torch, and retire.
So, with my new found freedom, and Amanda leaving for the USA, I decided, if I'm going to stop all these Clubs thing, I might as well drop all of it? That's how YEP comes in.
I joined YEP not because of Amanda. Heck, I was with her during the orientation of the Volleyball club. She was heading for YEP next, but I decided against going for the YEP orientation, since just standing next to her turns my whole body into stone.
I quit YEP because if I wanted to be as free as possible, it would still once in awhile interfere with my social life. Heck, even after quitting, I once in awhile ask Nicolette how Pinnacle Inc. is doing. If you don't believe me, ask her yourself. I enjoyed some time in YEP, but all in all I just can't take that sorta thing. And yes, as good news it is that YEP is very succesful this year, I have not a trace of regret in me for quitting it.
And of, my joining Sigma in a way ISNT for Amanda. When she left for SriKL beginning of this year, I had already decided to go into Pure Science. Marcus, who was in PureScience and in 4 Sigma, wanted to go to MY class, which was 4 Beta. So we switched. That simple. Still, I won't deny that Amanda being in Sigma was not something I was happy about.
But even though she's left, I don't think there's another class in this school that I'd be happier in(if you can consider me happy).
Hope that clears up some stuff for you, Amelia. =) *cheers*
While showering today, I started feeling dizzy and realized that it was getting harder to breathe. Pretty soon, it got worse, and I was lying on my bed(with only a towel barely covering me), breathing hard, and pressing my hands against my head because my forehead, the back, the sides, were all hurting.
Apparently, it's because of my sinus condition, passed down from my dad. The sinus clogged up the mucus in my nose, and because of the air pressure caused by that, the inside of my skull started to hurt. And...it wouldn't be a surprise if there's an infection.
Sigh. Anyway, if you've read the papers recently, you'll notice that the dengue mosquitoes are back again. The attack started small earlier this year, and now has spread to a panic in Malaysia. Almost everyday we'll see in papers about deaths caused by it.
The best solution is prevention, not cure. Make sure there are no breeding grounds for mosquitoes around your house, and try not to go outside as much as possible. Playgrounds and fields are common hunting grounds for mosquitoes. So, try and stay indoors as much as possible.
