My grandmother had been married to my grandfather since she was 16 years old, and for the rest of her life, they had been together.
As much as they usually quarrel, there is a known bond between them that they have shared for so long. Even when my grandfather wanted to stay in Australia as a cook, and my grandma went back to Malaysia, they couldn't stand being apart and my grandpa decided to come back.
Like my grandpa, my grandma also loves and took care of me since I was young. She told me how she'd use the her office phone to call every 10 minutes when my mom was giving birth to me, or how worried she was when I was young because I wasn't putting on weight, only to worry that I was putting on TOO much weight the next year.
My grandparents loved to travel around together around the world, and when going through the photo albums in their house today, my sister and I stumbled upon pictures of them in England, Europe, China... I saw how they smiled, and it was a painful delight. To say my grandparents did stuff together was an understatement. They do EVERYTHING together. Everywhere they go, it's the two of them. And it was only last year that our family celebrated their 50th Anniversary(Golden) in a hotel among family. We were all laughing, hugging, and high in thoughts that this happiness would last forever.
On Monday, 12.50am, I was staying at my grandparents' house to guard the coffin, and also be with my family to accompany my heartbroken grandmother. While in my grandfather's study, looking around, I heard my sister scream. We rushed to her, and what I saw I will never forget.
My grandmother had a stroke. Her right leg and arms were fidgeting, and she was unconscious to our screams and crying. I quickly asked my dad to call an ambulance. But it was too late, and my grandmother had fallen into a comatose(coma).
It is now Wednesday, 10.16, that I'd like to relate to all my friends who read this blog, of how painful it had been. Just as my grandfather passed away, my heartbroken grandmother would be taken from us as well.
I returned from the hospital that Monday morning at 4am, exhausted. We prayed to my grandfather to look over her, whatever happens. On Tuesday morning, we told everyone that my grandmother was tired, and we decided it was best she just rested at a hospital where they'd take care of her. But the painful truth is, it was a ruse, so that my grandfather's funeral would end smoothly. We hid it from my little cousin sister, because she was taking her PMR exams. Even when she found out, she remained strong and composed.
On Tuesday night, the hospital rang up. Her condition was not improving, and...her brain showed no sign of activity. To make it worse, her brain was swelling, and as it grew...it will block her arteries, and the heart will stop pumping...which will result in...her death.
When I entered the ICU(Intensive Care Unit) with my mother to see her, I was devastated. Tubes, pumps, monitors, were hooked up to her, giving life support. But what is life, when you can't even see your loved ones, or hear them, or talk to them? I cried on the spot, and told her how much I loved her, and that even if she left us, she had nothing to worry about.
Remember how I said they went everywhere together? I meant it. I suppose that my grandmother loved my my grandpa so much that, she grieved his death and was afraid of being alone. She had seen her children lead good lives, and her grandchildren matured. What was left for her, now that my grandpa was gone. Mama, as much as you wanted to be with YehYeh, don't you think we would have taken care of you? You told me you wanted to travel around the world, so why did you let go? You've spent your entire life taking care of us, why didn't you give us a chance to take care of you? We'd do everything we could to make your life happy. Or would it?
We now understand, you love YehYeh alot. If you want to be with him, we understand.
As for now, I'm only solemly waiting for that moment that she passes on.
My head is spinning non stop. Why does bad stuff have to happen after another? I'll blog about it later.
I'm seriously doubting whether I have any close friends at all. Sure, I'm okay with Sufern and Cass, but am I REALLY their close friend? I can talk and have fun with Cass, but among friends, its like she's ashamed to even admit being friends with me.
Seeing my sister's friends even coming for my grandpa's wake, I realized that compared to her, I've basically no one. I'm not saying "FUCK YOU for not coming to my grandpa's wake", I'm just stating that I don't even have a friend close enough to care that much. Sure, my aqquaintances care, thanks for the messages, very thoughtful indeed. But... I've known...I really have no close friends? Is Zakhren a close friend? I don't think he thinks so. Maybe everyone's just sympathizing with me once in awhile.
Even in class, I have hardly any friends or close people I can relate with. I see the class moving together and laughing, and then myself walking behind alone, because unlike them, spending the entire year to mix with everyone, I was going after HER, and now that she's gone, I'm no diff from a new student. Heck, I've wasted my time on a person who probably doesnt even GIVE A FUCK that I'm on the verge of strangling myself to death. And yet, I still find her the msot beautiful person I've ever met. Probably because of this, I dread going to 4 Sigma everyday. I dread going there, and try to make friends. Not because they don't want to, but because I'm not meant to.
My grandfather's cremation is on sunrise. I'm worried about my grandmother.
My world has never looked so dark.
The hatred is strong in this one.
I'm sorry for being jealous of you and Amanda, Boon Heng.
I'm sorry for even bothering you the last 3 years, Manda. It must really suck to have an idiot going after you for so long.
I;m sorry for trying to be close with you Cass. I was just imagining that we were close. I should have realized earlier. I'm sorry...and thankful that you sympathized.
I'm sorry I disturbed you, Khe Chun. I knew I wasn't worthy of even asking you.
I'm sorry, Colin. Too long have you endured my sucky attitude, and I had no right to
shout at you.
I'm sorry, 4 Sigma, for not being able to be as lively as all of you.
I'm sorry, my friends in LEO, for failing to keep up with your never dying enthutiasm.
I'm sorry I scold you when it's not your fault Zakhren. i don't deserve a cool guy like you.
I'm sorry, NpSp, for not being disciplined enough to wake up and mix with you guys. Every day I sigh because I'm the least close person among you all.
I'm sorry, Zakwan.
I'm sorry for trying to fit into groups of friends, and breaking down because I can't.
I'm sorry for always being the oddball.
I'm sorry for being unnapreciative of the little things.
I'm sorry I can never achieve what my sister does.
I'm sorry, Suf and Nab, for burdening you always because I've not many friends.
And I'm very sorry, Sufern, because even though you are kind enough to listen to me, I still vent my anger on you by shouting.
As much as it was important for me to quit, I'm sorry, YEP.
I'm sorry that I'm no longer the energetic gay self that people used to love and find irritating.
I'm sorry I'm a changing room peeking pervert.
I'm sorry for always being so emotional.
I'm sorry for hardly keeping in touch with my old friends from 3 Omega.
I'm sorry for being materialistic.
I'm sorry for being lazy.
I'm sorry for being arrogant.
I'm sorry for being 'hao'.
I'm sorry for being blur.
I'm sorry for being unnacceptably adorable at times.
I'm sorry, Sushi. I haven't eaten you for 2 months.
And to anyone else that I owe an apology, I'm sorry.
I've so many things to say, and something that will leave you gasping, but I'll leave that for after the funeral. I haven't hand any proper sleep since Friday, and my eyebags are worse than ever. I'll just post whatever pictures I have on my cam right now without commenting on most of them.
The following are pics taken in school.
The funeral:
My grandfather had quite alot of different religions coming to pay respects, from my family's SGM(Buddhist), Taoist Nuns(who used hands free clamshell handphones), Christians, and Thai Buddhists.
My grandmother. She's really going through so much, it pains me to see her like this.
This is what those who are directly related to my grandfather has to wear. It sort of a mourner's uniform. Black, with a white lace tied around the waist. I'm not moody, just sleepy and fatigued.
Being the male grandson, I had to put this little red thingy on. Not sure what it symbolizes.
The result of lack of sleep for 4 days, hectic, headaches, and just fatigue.
Perhaps...this shouldn't be an entry to win over people's hearts. But, something that I should just write to reduce the pain that's inside me. For myself.
I used to worry, how would I react when he dies? The symptoms of having breathing problems, ending up in the hospital often, and how terrible he looked each time I entered the hospital room, expecting him to fully recover the next day, and be back to his smiling self again. Of course, not this time.
My grandfather has taken care of me ever since I was a baby. He loved me, doted on me, and took my side whenever my parents wanted to discipline me, just like any loving grandparent would. He'd always pick me up from tuitun, and bottled some soft drink because he knew I'd be thirsty. And me, the ever idiot child, would quickly exit the tuitun, hopefully to enter his car and drive off before any of my tuitun mates saw us. Because I was embarrased. And what an idiot I was. Now, if I could go back, I'd proudly show people that my grandfather is caring enough to spend his afternoons sending his grandson to and fro, never complaining, only loving. I pride on him, because my grandfather loved me.
When my sister told me that he had passed away, it was hard to let the words sink in. "This is a sick joke," I thought. Before she even closed the door, I was slamming my hands on the bed, wall, and anything I could reach. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. This wasn't happening. How could this happen? Less than 2 hours ago He and I were just chatting about whether his handphone was USB capable. How, can a person so lively, just be gone like that?
I love my grandfather. But I regret that I hadn't loved him enough.
EDIT:Xiaxue wrote about how schools are shutting down blogs because it AFFECTS their name. Hussy teachers. A direct link to her blog HERE
Yesterday, Amelia said this to me:
"Hey Wei Shiung, you know for YEP, our school got the highest profits? So, don't you regret NOW that you quit YEP? Huh? Don't you? Just quitting because of Amanda..."
"We all know you joined 4 Sigma because of Amanda."
Bah. Here's something I have to write up so that people will stop having that impression of me as an Amanda stalker.
Usually during the holidays, my 10++dotA gang and I would spend the nightover at Aaron's house for a few days, dotAing pretty much 24hours a day. We'd go out of the house at about 1am and play at the cafes till the break of dawn. And then we'd go back to his house to sleep, wake up about noon, and hit the cafes again till the evening. Sounds fun, eh? Yeah, it is. But the sad thing is, countless times stuff like YEP or LEO(especially LEO) had me to wake up early the next morning, and miss out alot of stuff the guys did later on. I was sleepy, I was tired, I just wanted to relax with my friends. I've been active in clubs for nearly more than 3 years...and I decided, if this is going to hamper down my social life...and I'm starting to find it a dread...why continue?
I was one of those poor individuals who couldn't find friends unless there was a reason to befriend somebody. That's how LEO came in. Small projects organized by the seniors, where I'd find my usual bunch, and get to work with them. That, was my pitiful dose of social activity. As most of you know, I had pretty much NO friends back in Form 1.
And as we get to form 4, going out with Sufern, Nab, and the rest for movies, or DotAing with my friends just became more hectic. Demands for my attendance as a BOD was compulsory, and I kept having to apoligize whenever I couldn't make it. There was even a case where I had LEO sketch practice on the SAME time I had dance practice with friends I was really CLOSE to.
Being active in LEO and forcing myself to work was probably because I felt I OWED the LEO club something. For giving me abit of momentum in my junior years. But when I lost my post in LEO(which when I look back now, thank God), I suddenly found myself a much more free person. I could easily say "don't want" when I didn't like an activity.
Alright, to June, Sabrina, YiLin, Jia Jun, don't take it in offence la, but even you have to agree that I'm not that active in the club anymore(you guys possibly don't care), and that I don't mix that well with the current members. I mean, I try to mix, but there's just something about me that can't get along with alot of the people. Chemistry. But I enjoyed every moment of being in it, and I guess Sab you're right, it's time to pass on the torch, and retire.
So, with my new found freedom, and Amanda leaving for the USA, I decided, if I'm going to stop all these Clubs thing, I might as well drop all of it? That's how YEP comes in.
I joined YEP not because of Amanda. Heck, I was with her during the orientation of the Volleyball club. She was heading for YEP next, but I decided against going for the YEP orientation, since just standing next to her turns my whole body into stone.
I quit YEP because if I wanted to be as free as possible, it would still once in awhile interfere with my social life. Heck, even after quitting, I once in awhile ask Nicolette how Pinnacle Inc. is doing. If you don't believe me, ask her yourself. I enjoyed some time in YEP, but all in all I just can't take that sorta thing. And yes, as good news it is that YEP is very succesful this year, I have not a trace of regret in me for quitting it.
And of, my joining Sigma in a way ISNT for Amanda. When she left for SriKL beginning of this year, I had already decided to go into Pure Science. Marcus, who was in PureScience and in 4 Sigma, wanted to go to MY class, which was 4 Beta. So we switched. That simple. Still, I won't deny that Amanda being in Sigma was not something I was happy about.
But even though she's left, I don't think there's another class in this school that I'd be happier in(if you can consider me happy).
Hope that clears up some stuff for you, Amelia. =) *cheers*
While showering today, I started feeling dizzy and realized that it was getting harder to breathe. Pretty soon, it got worse, and I was lying on my bed(with only a towel barely covering me), breathing hard, and pressing my hands against my head because my forehead, the back, the sides, were all hurting.
Apparently, it's because of my sinus condition, passed down from my dad. The sinus clogged up the mucus in my nose, and because of the air pressure caused by that, the inside of my skull started to hurt. And...it wouldn't be a surprise if there's an infection.
Sigh. Anyway, if you've read the papers recently, you'll notice that the dengue mosquitoes are back again. The attack started small earlier this year, and now has spread to a panic in Malaysia. Almost everyday we'll see in papers about deaths caused by it.
The best solution is prevention, not cure. Make sure there are no breeding grounds for mosquitoes around your house, and try not to go outside as much as possible. Playgrounds and fields are common hunting grounds for mosquitoes. So, try and stay indoors as much as possible.
After last year, Malaysian Idol seemed kinda stale. It's strange to find out that it's now even more popular than last year, because I thought it was actually dead. Before I even knew it had started, the Malaysian Idol had reached it's top-2.
Being in Singapore, I couldn't find out who won or lost, the Korean hiphopster wannabe Daniel or the dull Nita.
I'm surprised to see how so many of my friends are so worked up over Daniel winnning. I mean, who cares? Even Jaq(c) who is the Malaysian Idol of last year, doesn't have her name mentioned much these days.
But it's funny though, because some people would actually spam sms votes non stop just to get their Idol to win.
I'm finally back from Singapore, and the first thing I realized was that I didn't flush my toilet before I left for Singapore two days ago. Now my bathroom smells like a public toilet. Lol.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this can be considered part of the Singapore trip, since it's mainly just about the bus ride there.
Our bus, the AEROLINE: The Conveniant Way to Fly was set for departure at 6.45 in KL, just infront of a hotel.
My parents were crazy enough to arrive there an hour early, so we sat down for cuppa while waiting. And I hate waiting.
I suspect the Bus must be Singaporean. No Malaysian driver would arrive just on time, since this one was even 5 minutes early. Surprise! We don't get that much here in Malaysia...heh.
Seriously, it's the conveniant way to 'fly'.
Compared to a normal bus, I suppose it's considered much more comfortable.
Our tickets were the seat furthest to the back. My dad and mum =3
Basically, in this trip to Singapore to attend a funeral, you'll be getting a first person view from my POV, which means besides this picture, you wont be seeing me. Am too afraid to take a pic of my ugly mug anyway.
The chairs...oh man I loved them. Soft... and the cushions...
I'd like to apoligize in advance about how for a while my typing is going to be very boring. There isn't much to say about the bus trip, but I took alot of pics. Besides...It's 2.54am and I just arrived home less than 4 hours ago, resulting in super-tiredness.
The bus driver may've been a Singaporean(I THINK), but the passengers sure weren't. Proudly Malaysian, most of the other passengers, waiting INSIDE the hotel, decided to slowly finish their drinks and let the rest wait. Bah.
Alright, every story must have a bad guy, don't they? Well, this one isn't an exception. I didn't take their pictures, but let's describe them.
Two chinese women(young), one chubby yet curvy, and another one no different from a stick, came into the bus. The chubby one was wearing what looked like a purple nightgown(wtf?) and the other just normal jeans and shirt. The one wearing a purple nightgown(again, wtf?) was holding a teddy bear(and once again, wtf?) in her arms. They sat next to my parents and I. Okay, as expected, this bus has a lounge at its lower level. It's to be used in a cycle AMONG all passengers, but in less than 5 minutes after the bus had left, the two bimbos raised their fat butts from the seats, and hogged the entire lounge THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE 5-HOUR TRIP. I mean, WTF LA. Fuck you stupid bimbos. My simpulan is that they're probably retarded and mentally handicapped. It's not just that those two bitches are ugly ah-liens, they're RUDE AND STUPID ugly ah-liens. Wearing a purple nightgown into a bus and carrying around a teddy bear? HELLO, you're 20 plus la bitch, get a life and stop trying to be cute la. Fucking bimbos. I kept cursing throughout the bus ride and my dad said they tend to look at me for some reason.
I just felt like killing them. Seriously. Fucking bitches.
About 7.30 they served dinner. Sort of like aeroplane meals, this was pre-cooked. Fortunately, the food was GOOD. I mean, like, good not as in pre-cooked food standard good. I'm saying GOOD as in SHIT THIS TASTE BETTER THAN OTHERS GOOD. Mind my language.
Or maybe it's just because all the side dishes are my favourites. Kang-kong vegetables, salted fried egg with mixed vege, and BEST of all, SWEET AND SOUR PORK/CHICKEN! YUM! Not to mention rice. Quoting someone special... "Nothing beats rice. Nothing." Food was cold though, that's the only downside.
After finishing, reading a Star Wars novel seemed to be the best way to kill time till the bus arrived in Singapore. But interestingly enough, the Indian man sitting infront of me took out a laptop, and started watching a Hindi movie. Lol. He put on his head-set, so I couldn't hear them speaking. Which is cool, because
*breathes hard before saying this*
-I enjoyed reading the crappy Malay subtitles. Haha. So through the entire trip, I was just peeking from behind, watching the FUNNIEST MOST RIDICULOUS Hindi movie I've ever seen in my entire life.
Should I type a synopsis? Yeah I should. Lol
A little girl's parents are killed by mobsters. Her uncle, a policeman, adopts her, and raises her up.
*fast forwarded to the future the future, the little girl has now grown up, and has somehow became a MAN, working as a police Inspector. I say, dey, big shot now ah? The family that adopted him/her is for some reason never ever mentioned again. Anyway, our hero(we'll just assume it's a HE for now) is named Vijay. He HATES CRIMINALS, and has a bad record of beating them up over the smallest offences. In just 6 years, he's been transferred from police station to police station 11 times. Around his new station, there's this shop that sells knives. A pretty girl there sharpens them, and is courted by possibly the most perverted looking rich guy I've ever seen.
*insert unnecessary dancing scene here*
She beats up the pervert for trying to touch her, and just as she is to issue the final blow, her hand is pulled away. She looks behind to see who it is, and WHY, it's our hero Vijay.
*dramatic pause. Our two main character looks into each other's eyes for a few minutes*
Vijay catches the pervert, and sends him off with a warning.
Anyway-
Warg. The story is too long. I'll just skip this part.
Anyway, the bus had arrived at the border, and we were to present our passports. Outside, I noticed something.
This is the Bus Company that Boon Heng took. The NICE company. Typical BH, sitting on a bus with a name as cocky as him. Ngehehe.
Fast forwarded, my family and I arrived at a relative's house. To some of those who aren't that familiar with Singapore, land there is EXPENSIVE. Which is why a terrace house there is probably a few times more expensive than a bangle here. My host relatives lived in a DUPLEX, which is basically like an apartment, except that it has two floors. How to explain ah...urm, my pictures will lo.
The kaki lima outside.
My aunty, busy washing in the kitchen.
And this is their hall. You can't see the TV from this angle.
I guess this explains it. It's just like any other terrace house you can find in Malaysia, minus the drive way and garden. Oh, and not to mention its several feet up in the air. Lol.
Alright, it's 2am in Singapore at that time and I'm sleepy. See you in the morning.
MORNING COMES
The first thing I realized that morning was that my phone was no longer using Maxis. Someway or another, the line was now SingTel. Lol, it's freaky, because Maxis seemed to know that I had left Malaysia. I received about 5 smses from them telling me my services were now being handled by their joint partner, SingTel, including alot of other spam. Sad thing is, I can sms, but can't call. Bloody international roaming isn't in my package, it seems.
My family had no idea how to get around Singapore at all, so far-far-far cousin Ashley helped us out with the taxis. l-r Mom, Dad, and Ashley.
The taxi ride was splendid. Unlike the Proton Saga's used commonly by Malaysian taxi's, all the ones in Singapore are import cars. From Toyota to Mercedez's. Wow.
Another thing I noticed about Singapore was that everyone drove rich man cars. Our Protons are their Japanese imports(Toyota, Honda, etc), and our Japanese imports were their Europian imports. LMAO.
Before we forget, this trip to Singapore was to attend the wake of the late Uncle John, who passed away less than a week ago.
The parlour was behind a church, and the mourners(can harldy call them that, actually) sat around tables, talking in a different room. I was given permission to take pictures, so if any of these pics offend you, just close this blog now. You have been warned.
I didn't really know Uncle John well, but with due respect as a felow family member, I came down from Singapore to pay my final wishes. Rest in Peace, Granduncle John.
Chinese traditions never cease to amuse me. There was a plate passed around, filled with red strings. The older people hastily tied it around their fingers. I watched for a moment, and asked my mom what they were doing. According to her, chinese believe that attending a wake is 'bad luck'. So, by wearing a red string around our fingers(not necessarily has to be finger, or even a string actually), it sort of COUNTERS the bad luck. Alot of physiques involved, but basically it's just to even out your luck I think.
Did I mention that this family has around 200 members? Conveniantly, only 1/10 of them came from around the world, so the wake wasn't that jam packed.
Great-great grandfather has 5 wives, and spawned 14 children. These are the 2nd generation.
The 2nd generation spawned about 30 children, and these are the 3rd generation.
Needless to say, I am the fourth generation. And this is only 1/10 of the family.
There was laughter, chatter, and the occasional crude Hokkien word which I didn't understand. It didn't feel like a wake at all, because no one was crying, or even showing sorrow in their faces. All were smiles, and bright moods. I suppose inside, it felt bitter to lose one, but even I would like to see my family smiling during my funeral, then crying non-stop. Would let me pass on easier.
Before the coffin was sent for cremation, we all sang "Amazing Grace" in unison.
A small white van filled with flowers inside was waiting to bring the coffin for cremation. For those who are blur, cremation is an ever growing modern tradition to incinerate the deceased with high heatm until even the bone turns to ash, and later stored inside a Jade pot or some other medium to use a memorabilia or totem of the deceased. Sort of like a symbol, I guess.
We booked a bus entirely for our family to follow the coffin to the crematorium. Picture is shaky cos the bus kept on vibrating, and I couldn't keep a steady hand.
My phone's operator had changed again. My gawd, what a long unmemorable name for a network company. I kept my phone on silent mode, remembering Kenny Sia's blog entry about how a phone had rung out 50 cent's "Hey Shawty!" while people were mourning around his father. Twice.
The bus arrived at a little drive way far from the busy streets, and at that time I wasn't too sure what was going on.
Those racks are filled with jars and ash relics of deceased. This building is for Taoist people...
There is a limit to how many people can live at once. But if ALL the dead are always remembered, what happens when Singapore runs out of space for stuff like these?
This is the driveway. I could hear the white van slowly arriving, by the chime of "Amazing Grace" it kept playing in Mandarin.
A priest, Father Bruno, was helping to lead the wake. A very nice an open minded man, and it's people like him who draws my respect for a religion, not the religion itself.
The following parts are gonna be pretty Star- Trekish. Everything was so clean and modern, it's hard to believe I was even attending a funeral. I won't say anything here, and just put the pictures. You can pretty much imagine how it went.
And that was it.
The day wasn't over yet, and I spend half of the next day(Sunday) around Singapore too. Will blog later. It's 4.07am now and I need sleep. Won't be going to school I expect.
Coming next:
Checking out the 'lousiest' cinema in Singapore, and MORE.
Wargh. I hate this pic, but I just had to post it. Sigh.
Very different people leh. No, this pic isn't photoshopped. Just that the other pic is crappy, or that angle of my face is crappy. Maybe I'm just crappy-faced.
