Being the freethinker that I am, I don't believe in materialistic realms where we are seperated after death. I do believe, however, in the state of heaven and hell. And in my case, I'm in hell.
I've got friends. Sure. Loads. Yet how many can tell me straight away, what's my birthdate? How many remembered last year? In form 3, only WanCi and Amanda remembered, while the rest didn't. Saufi constantly tells me that the class is looking out for me, but I can hardly figure that, by the transparent way I'm acknowledged. Sure, we sit together, but YOU being the "want to be with them" type, you won't talk to me, and you imagine as if I'm just a feather floating by, non interesting, non acknowledged.
I'm sick of doing nice things for people...
Good friends that I have, fate seems to drag me away from them. Suf, Nab, Zak...wtv. I used to think I was part of a group, but now it seems that I'm someone who's just a guest among them, not a part of it. The time that we get to spend together I'm not able to participate in, and even when I have the chance, things like going out for a movie with friends, or the Unity Dinner this Saturday that I was so looking forward to since I was gonna sit with my friends, was crushed by the fact that I HAVE to follow my family to Singapore on that VERY weekend.
A perfect time to spend with my friends, yet I have to fade away.
See how fate conspires?
I hate so many people.
Zakwan in Heaven.
*Hey Shungz, at least you've got friends that stick by your side, no matter how retarded the reason.
Well, they DID ask me if I wanted to go along with them to PD, but I refused.
Dad: Come la, my company annual trip.
Me: Don't want la...so sien. All the young kids... I'll probly be the oldest youngster there somemore. I'd rather stay at home...
Dad: But you'll get to sit with the Boss!
Me: Boss? Uncle Matthew coming to Malaysia just for this meh?
Dad: No, dong. Me la!
Me: =.="
So anyway, here I am, wasting away at home. The first time my parents left me home alone, I thought it'd be great loads of fun. Far from that really. I may be able to pull all-nighters on the ps2 and computer, but it makes you feel WASTED because there isn't a parent around to bug or discipline you.
And furthermore, meals are hard to prepare...
Ah, it's 6.10pm and I'm still in last night's sleeping clothes. Gotta bathe, so ciaoz
EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot it was Amelia's birthday. It's YOUR SPECIAL DAY girl, hopw you had a blast =D
My cousin asked me today, "Eh kor, why are you still single?"
I wanted to tell her it was probly because of my face and attitude, but decided against it. I just told her wisely "I'm waiting for the right person. A few girls have asked me before, but I'd rather not jump into things..."
Well, it's kinda true. I haven't exactly been TOLD in the face by any girl before that they've liked me (as hard to believe as it is), but there have been cases where it's been kinda obvious, though I pretend not to notice and just continue on being friends.
I've never really pursued any girl besides 'her', because I find myself always comparing EVERY girl I meet with 'her'. Even if I'm not vaguely interested or find the girl cute, I'll still compare, and in the end, 'she' is always better.
Could this be the reason why I've been single my entire life?
My sister once asked if I'd treat the girl I married (if ever) as well as I'd treat 'her' now in school. And seriously, I wonder too. How'm I supposed to move on when I can't get 'her' out of my mind? Besides, 'she' and I aren't even close, and the only way I get to...erm...how should I say, "express" my feelings to her is with gifts. I'm too shy and too unnattractive to have the guts to even say "hi"...which is why many people think I'm treating her OVER the extreme. Au contraire, I hardly talk to her at all.
As for steady couples, most satisfaction can be gotten from just spending some short and simple time together, without a drop of money spent. Zakhren and Nab came to my house today, and GOD, it was just akward cos they kept snuggling, and the smallest thing Zakhren did would amuse her and they'd laugh for minutes. I can still smell them in my room as I type this =.="
So, the same cant be said between me and 'her'. You could say I'm sorta like Shung Jiu, giving gifts as a way of showing affection, but I don't EVEN DARE do what he does. Shung's said that I don't understand how he feels, but I really do. We're not able to offer the girl that we like the comfort and companionship of an interesting person that she'd like, so the only way we can make her happy or smile, is through gifts. It's sad, but it's what we do.
Seeing Piggy and 'her' last year always being together was pretty gruelling at first, and I'd go home, drop flat on my bed, and sob till my eyes were sore. As time went on, I accepted that she really has her own choice... so there's nothing I can do about it. I can just continue on giving gifts and doing special things for her if I wanted too, but nothing in the world by money could compare to having a person that she liked to be with her.
Heart, over materialism.
I've seen boys go like "Wtf la! I spent so much money on her and she just treats me like shit! Waste only."
Keeping my cool was pretty hard, because I was tempted to tell them off that a girl did NOT ask for you to like her, and she did NOT ask for the presents. YOU, the boy, gave her presents and gifts, and she did NOT ask for them. Accepting them is more than gracious enough, as she's tolerating with you. Any other girl would just slap the gift away from your hand and walk away, but at LEAST she humours you. In the end, you can't blame a girl for not liking a boy back because it comes down to the simple rule that she did not ask for it.
I say this from experience. If there's a girl you like that doesn't like you back, there's nothing you can do about it but keep trying. If you ask her why she doesn't like you, than that's just a suicide attempt on your chances.
Never blame the girl. You liked her in the first place, so it all roots down to your fault. If you say "she treats me nicely somtimes but on other occasions she treats me indifferently" than you're being a whiny bitch. Refer to my words, She never asked for you to like her.
I find it hard to believe, but from the moment I put down the phonecall with her, and thought to myself that this would be the longest thing I've ever waited for...half a year has already passed by so fast.
My hair's growing long at bad places. My hair is uncontrollable, with my mom being only content if I was cut nearly MONK-like...my moustache and beard are sprouting like mushrooms, forcing me to shave almost everyday.
But what I hate most is my hair on the legs. SuFern laughed her ass off when I wore short pants to jog with her. "You look gay!" she said. Sigh. It's damn hairy for a boy my age, and since my skin is pearl white, it makes it look like a pak kai. With fur. Ew.
So I took the plunge.
Lalang be gone!
It took me half an hour just to fully shave one leg...but I like the result =)
Tada! Clean and smooth. Softer than a baby's bottom. Seriously. I'm addicted to rubbing my hand against the skin to feel how smooth it is. =d
I look like as if somone has punched me on the face. Sigh. And no one did.
The sweet-apparently NOT innocent-Jade. With her, a dream boy her height =)
President of the Nothing Happens club.
And this picture of Zak is for Nab. Yes, squeal in orgamsic pleasure, Nab >=D
Nicolette snaps back at me.
These were just some pics from yesterday when Colin, the com club president, asked us to go to SUNWAY to get posters for the club message board. And then maybe a movie, food, drinks, more food, and shopping for a gift for KC.
I'm in a very hyper and overconfident mood at presently 8.54am. It could probably because I jaga malam at my Buddhist center and didn't have a blink of sleep, or maybe the mosquitoes that fed on my poor leg had some alterating gene. I can be... MOSQUITOEMAN. Bitten by a radioactive mosquitoe. I'll suck crime one by one! Nyahahah!
=) And while I'm having this overconfident mood, I'll say what I've never said in my entire life.
I'm damn handsome liao.
The following are pics are from my friendster account:
The last one abit cacat. But nevermind XD
Anyways, don't mind me. I'm just whoring my Friendster Profile, cause it's been dead since Amanda's testimonial in NOVEMBER last year. =( sad right?
I'll be back to my usual "i hate myself" mood soon enough, so no worries.
Edit 9.21am: Sigh. I hate myself =(
Just kidding.
Edit: Even though it's pretty obvious to me, I suddenly can't get this sentence out of my mind:
I think there are many reasons to why I tend to cry. It could be loneliness, or just the feeling of inferioty that I get from everyone around me. Why can't I be more funny like him, or be as soft and calm like her? Wherever I turn, I see people that I envy, people that possibly hate me, and it is really so hard to find people that are truly, in a way, what I can call friends.
There are people who are smart, athletic, and charming. Often I find myself competing with them for something which I am desperate for, and usually, resulting in failure.
Khe Chun has been somewhat annoyed by me lately, because I think even her calm personality has its limits. I even forgot that it was her birthday today. As soon as I got home from school, I went to Subang Parade to get her a gift. I was hoping I could've made up with her again, so I dropped by her house as soon as possible to pass the present to her. And obviously, she had went out with friends to celebrate. I stood outside smacking my forehead in disbelieve at how silly I was, and left the present on top of her gate before heading home.
I may seem like I take my friends for granted, but it's far from that. I'm rash and quick tempered by nature, only because the rage and hate seems to fill the void of loneliness and depression. I probably feel that by being angry at others, and loning myself to a corner, things will work out. But they never do. It's probably much simpler to calm and ease down by joining conversations, without care whether they acknowledge you or not. Yet why do I still not try?
I keep hitting myself whenver I argue with Su Fern. I know I'm in the wrong, but my mood swings and bad temper tend become a burden, and I'll find myself apologizing to her a few moments later(or days).
I want to control myself. I try to control myself.
I'm pretty much not close to Cassandra anymore. What used to be a good friendship is now a "hi" and "bye" relationship. I think the only time we ever talk is when I see her in the corridors, all we exchange are "hey"s and "wassup"s. It's like the closeness that we used to have never existed. Does the barrier of distance really effect friendship? I used to think in Form 4 that even though we would be in different classes, I could still keep a close friendship. I guess I was wrong.
I'm starting to think... what will be my first words when Amanda comes back in June? Will I go out to see her, or will I hide away because I know that if I saw her face, the mixed feelings will being to swirl once again inside me, and together with the joy of seeing her, will come anger and frustration because I'm not even close to her.
I can be funny at times, and plain nice. A livewire infact. Yet whenever she's around, I keep quiet. Because I'm afraid that anything funny that I do, anything that makes me HAPPY will turn her off or give her the impression im some silly fool. For example, I can simply give Benjamin a gay hug and say "Mmmmmmm...I love you Ben" as a joke, and people will laugh, and we'll all have a good time. Yet whenever she's around, I couldn't. It was unthinkable. Everything about her makes me feel happy, yet scared.
I suppose on the day she arrives, I'll drop by her house and give her a welcome back gift or something. When no friends are around, I won't be shy to talk to her. And that'll probably be the last time I'll ever see her. ...
Interesting how it feels, knowing that you'll never see the most beautiful person in your life ever again.
Heh.
With Xiao's help, I've been working on a story that I want to submit for Gemala's English Corner. I was generally happy with the work, but I can't say the opinions of the people who read it are assuring. It's been said to be too deep for Gemala...
I hate it when this happens.
Life's so full of restrictions, dissapointments, and sadness. Yet there are the rare moments of joy which I seem to take for granted.
The web owner of a popular website www.purepwnage.com has put up a clip of his hair for auction on e-bay.
...and so far, he's got a bid up to USD7,877 for it.
Imagine that!
"hey n00bs.. buy my hair rofl.. i need 2 buy a tv =P.. a desk n chair wuld be wtf uber 2..
l8r"
This is a real wtf knn cbb moment man. I dont think my hair would fetch up to even one ringgit, since Puan Tan cut my hair in school for being too long yesterday. Obviously she thinks its not worth anything, or she'll pick it up and put into her bag =.=
Imagine if XiaXue cut her hair...or Kennsia's pubic hair...and put on auction. Heck, I think SuperStars should start taking this new extra cash route.
I'll have to work harder on this blog...and hopefully one day someone will buy a clip of mine for Rm5k. Twice the price for a snip from below.
