I think there are many reasons to why I tend to cry. It could be loneliness, or just the feeling of inferioty that I get from everyone around me. Why can't I be more funny like him, or be as soft and calm like her? Wherever I turn, I see people that I envy, people that possibly hate me, and it is really so hard to find people that are truly, in a way, what I can call friends.

 There are people who are smart, athletic, and charming. Often I find myself competing with them for something which I am desperate for, and usually, resulting in failure.

 Khe Chun has been somewhat annoyed by me lately, because I think even her calm personality has its limits. I even forgot that it was her birthday today. As soon as I got home from school, I went to Subang Parade to get her a gift. I was hoping I could've made up with her again, so I dropped by her house as soon as possible to pass the present to her. And obviously, she had went out with friends to celebrate. I stood outside smacking my forehead in disbelieve at how silly I was, and left the present on top of her gate before heading home.

 I may seem like I take my friends for granted, but it's far from that. I'm rash and quick tempered by nature, only because the rage and hate seems to fill the void of loneliness and depression. I probably feel that by being angry at others, and loning myself to a corner, things will work out. But they never do. It's probably much simpler to calm and ease down by joining conversations, without care whether they acknowledge you or not. Yet why do I still not try?

 I keep hitting myself whenver I argue with Su Fern. I know I'm in the wrong, but my mood swings and bad temper tend become a burden, and I'll find myself apologizing to her a few moments later(or days).

I want to control myself. I try to control myself.

  I'm pretty much not close to Cassandra anymore. What used to be a good friendship is now a "hi" and "bye" relationship. I think the only time we ever talk is when I see her in the corridors, all we exchange are "hey"s and "wassup"s. It's like the closeness that we used to have never existed. Does the barrier of distance really effect friendship? I used to think in Form 4 that even though we would be in different classes, I could still keep a close friendship. I guess I was wrong.

  I'm starting to think... what will be my first words when Amanda comes back in June? Will I go out to see her, or will I hide away because I know that if I saw her face, the mixed feelings will being to swirl once again inside me, and together with the joy of seeing her, will come anger and frustration because I'm not even close to her.

  I can be funny at times, and plain nice. A livewire infact. Yet whenever she's around, I keep quiet. Because I'm afraid that anything funny that I do, anything that makes me HAPPY will turn her off or give her the impression im some silly fool. For example, I can simply give Benjamin a gay hug and say "Mmmmmmm...I love you Ben" as a joke, and people will laugh, and we'll all have a good time. Yet whenever she's around, I couldn't. It was unthinkable. Everything about her makes me feel happy, yet scared.

I suppose on the day she arrives, I'll drop by her house and give her a welcome back gift or something. When no friends are around, I won't be shy to talk to her. And that'll probably be the last time I'll ever see her. ...

Interesting how it feels, knowing that you'll never see the most beautiful person in your life ever again.

Heh.

With Xiao's help, I've been working on a story that I want to submit for Gemala's English Corner. I was generally happy with the work, but I can't say the opinions of the people who read it are assuring. It's been said to be too deep for Gemala...

I hate it when this happens.

Life's so full of restrictions, dissapointments, and sadness. Yet there are the rare moments of joy which I seem to take for granted.

And still the road seems so long.